can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
