When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My vagina just recognized that song.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
