I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
