So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
