I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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