My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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