my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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