If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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