I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
