I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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