I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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