i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
