I wanna passion pit in your ass
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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