Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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