Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
