I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
