Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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