I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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