He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
