of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
