fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
