Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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