My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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