My Higher Power is John Stamos
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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