It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
