You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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