i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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