I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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