I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
