i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize