At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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