Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
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We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
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woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize