forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
