I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pants are for mortals
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
