I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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