I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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