Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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