At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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