If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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