i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
