I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
