I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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