i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
