Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
