i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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