umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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