Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
