even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The adults are the big ones right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
