Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
