Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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