Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
