i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
