You smell like stripper and shame
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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